Screwed

I.AM.TOTALLY.BUSTED.
but im just going to write anyway because this is a place where no one care about any of this. yeah, i was suprised, shocked... because what i wrote here is from the deepest depth of me and no lies. and as far as i dont want to be discovered, you know me better. now, you might ruined it a bit but i'll try my best to be honest again. so far no major event or argument or anything, so theres nothing to say. if you think i'm going crazy with you, upset and stuff, always check up on me here. sigh, totally owned.
* * * * * * * * *
I hate him!! Stupid, stupid, STUPID! yeah, you can give me that look alright. well, i havent got into the infatuated state yet, so it's all good. i have fun, i think but totally furious about my hours of sleep that i spent on him. ugh! oh well, i did gain something from this and let me just keep that for myself. bottom-line, still happy and not gonna let this crap crash over me.

Love

she has come back to me. that really wasnt a suprise. what we had, it's just impossible to be forgotten. i'm glad somehow, i had her, now i got her back. the mad, anger and loathe are normal for me now.

Mad, anger, hatred, loathe

How long can it stay? forever maybe? maybe not, when there is love as a reminder? it's hard to make it stay longer, to harvest it rather than to let it go completely. would i be stronger to let go? question after a question revolving in my mind like a shuffle player, again and again and again. one more question; would i be ready to face it? it's been quite sometimes and i'm still unsure...

Let me go

it's a great feeling to have someone to love you, to be there for you and to care for you. but what happen when all that are all gone just like that? she used to be one of the best thing for me, a best friend, for life. now, i guess she's too busy with her new found life. she has not reach yet to that stage of life of being someone she does not want to be at the first place, but look what's happen now. i am forgotten and left aside. while im sure it wasn't intentional but that was not an excuse. yes, i am a demanding, egoistic and misunderstood person, thus she cannot blame me for what every changes that will be made for this. every decision that will hurt someone, or maybe she didn't care anymore. fine by me then.

i am sure this would be the best for us, because i feel a piece of freedom after everything that happened. it's like i live again for a hundred times already, yeah, that's just me. i feel normal and i can do a lot of things that i have been holding back myself from doing it because of you. and i am pretty sure i have been holding your back too with all my tantrums and all. i don't want that for you and certainly not for me too. thank you for everything that you had shown me in this cold place i called life. all of the promises, all the words and all the dreams, i will keep that with me and always will be remembered. it's so sad to let go, but things need to be done before it hurts both of us deeper. so i'm saying goodbye to you and all your promises that i wish you tried harder to keep, not just by words without meaning. even if there are meanings and all behind it, you don't try hard enough and im done trying for you.

A glimpse of her

Reading books has always calm me. Its like an escape for me from the real world. Sinking my teeth into it, story after a story. Fictions has been my favorite of all time though i purposely avoid heart - breaking stories at all cost because I could not stand them and i am going to end up in depression later for that particular action. Practically, i read all type of books, well i tried to broaden my horizon without being picky about it because most books that i really wanted to read is not something that i could always afford to own. At my current house that my family rented now, there are the remaining of my classical books collection that i used to own when i was little. The number of the books has been narrowed down because we were moving out a lot and most books lost during the process. I have always been an avid reader with anything now as i grew up and my passion for reading never die. My late mum always taught me to love books when she gave me my first book, a thick large book about fairy tales when i was 7. I miss my mum...so much. She was the one who taught me everything and make me of what i am today. i was never that closed with my mum when i was a little girl but i saw her as a strong, independent woman that worked so hard night and day to make a living and to raise her children. never once i heard she whined or dissatisfied about anything. she kept moving on....

...

those two girls without a mother

those two girls are growing up without her love

those two girls are getting by without her care

those two girls are sleeping alone without her

those two girls are walking without her hands to hold

those two girls are crying alone with each other

those two girls are laughing to mend their little hearts

those two girls are living their life in the emptiness

those two girls are happy in their own ways

i know those two girls without a mother

i knew them so well that i love them so much

they are a living reminder to my ownself

to appreciate what you have in your life

those two girls without a mother made me realize

i saw something that maybe no one would notice

i learnt something from them unintentionally

they always made me feel like crying

those two girls without a mother made me cry

i wish i could tell them how i feel about them

i know that was the last thing they need from someone

all they ever need was a mother and she could not be there

Undiscovered.

I aim for that.